What if...?

Such a scary thought
Full of possibilities and uncertainties –
Wrapped up in two small worlds, a package.
Is it an ugly pair of socks,
Or something truly breathtaking?

What if…?

Everything I fear happens yet again?
Like a rabbit spooked by a loud noise, quick to run.

What if…?

Tripping and falling the hovering eagle sees its easy prey.
Swooping down to catch a quick meal –

Will you find me?
Will you protect me?
Will you never let me go?

What if…?

You don’t

Dinner with the Almighty

I have come to realize that many of you are VERY sick of the "B" word. As of yet, it is hard to say if it's more "Bozo" or "Boaz" so, I think "B" is appropriately ambiguous. I want to appologize to the "sick", and hope that this entry may shed little more light, into the area I like to call "My Crazy." Sorry it's so long, but I needed to write this down. Please bare with me as I let this out...

As the begining of July rolled around, the devil put things in full gear for me. The temptation to disobey and make contact has been extremely difficult for me. James has already moved on, found a girlfriend (Amanda), divorce paperwork has already been stamped, signed, and filed. I find it very difficult for myself to stay obedient. Still, in the depths of my spirit, I know what God wants for me. I understand that I NEED this time to let myself heal, and more importantly, really find myself and spend time with God.

Looking back on my journey so far, I've come to realize that I already am in Love with someone. He is so patient with me, and it is so easy for me to forget that He is right here with me. I push Him away at the first sign of Crazy, and forget so often that He is my number one priority. Tonight was no exception. I'm so sorry, God.

Usually, my schedule is booked. I have been trying very hard to keep busy and stay out of trouble (as Maggie likes to put it). However, tonight my girlfriend bailed on me, and I found myself wanting to take a road trip east... However, a tiny little voice inside my head said NO (maybe it was Iowa Ginger)! Instead, I found myself dining alone. I really don't mind my own company, and have eaten out by myself a lot. Even when I was married, I didn't have any problem going out to dinner or a movie (or both) by myself. I sat there and pulled out my Bible and read while I ate my dinner. Today's lesson was the book of Ruth, it is easily the book I have been looking forward to reading the most. I was not disappointed. It was an amazing story, and I felt renewed in my walk. Not because of a prize at the end of my journey for being good (Happy Meal Christians as my pastor likes to call them), but because obedience is God's love language, and I just want to make Him happy.

At the end of my meal, as I was finishing up the book of Ruth, I heard God talk to me. "Thanks for having dinner with me, Thea. It's about time we did this again." He was smiling at me as he said it (I could hear it in his voice). I felt so renewed and filled with love and devotion. I was never alone, nor will I ever be. He is always with me!

Living in Crazy

Am I crazy?
Lord, please tell me so-
My heart says yes,
But my brain says NO!

A continual fight to do what’s right,
Maybe later, maybe tonight…
Then cold water douses my face
An A Team scolding, and the feel of disgrace

Back to my senses
To my place of Peace and Calm
Yet, a single thought can break through my defenses
Continually remembering, my life in His palm

My life in His palm, He won’t ever let me go
Even in the darkness, His Love does he show
Giving it up, to His perfect plan
Knowing there is only ONE perfect Man

Do I really want another traffic ticket?

I rolled a stop sign. I think you all know that story, but I think I may need to remind myself of that lesson. "Stop, Thea. Just stop, and listen to my voice."

I am learning (ever so painfully) that stopping, waiting, and just leaving it all alone is the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life! Really??! Don't do anything? "Yes," He says. The thing that is even harder to comprehend is that all He wants me to do right now is enjoy my life. Live my life and enjoy my new "singlehood" while learning to lean on Him and be happy. Why is it, that given this new freedom, this amazing gift from My Creator, with a tangible sign in hand (traffic ticket though it may be!) that I still have trouble just letting go?

Mom says, "Let Go, Let God Be God." She added the "Be God" part, but it's so true. He's got it under control. Why am I so interested in taking control of the steering wheel of my life? Have I done such a good job all by myself (I hear the resounding "no" from the peanut gallery).

My "A" Team gave me a collective butt chewing today, and yes, I did need it. For those who are keeping track, yes, I did a lot of "spring cleaning" today to purge stuff I've been holding onto. You guys were ON TRACK today! Thanks for having my back.

Tomorrow will be a better day, and if a day is too much to handle, then I'll just take it hour by hour, or minute by minute. Why? Because a wise woman once told me that my story has already been written, and God already knows that I can handle these tests. If He is for me, who can be against me (even myself)! AMEN!

Lunch with God

Yesterday God and I had lunch. I've got to tell you that things have been full force in my spiritual battle, and I felt worn down, so I prayed for help and clarity of mind. God responded immediately with an answer, "Why don't WE go to lunch?"

"Really?" I thought, "like a lunch date?"
"YES" came the reply, "like a lunch date."

When lunchtime came, I went to my beach, it's actually called Moonlight Beach, but it's the place that I go to when I need to think. It's right down the street from my work, and it is really beautiful. I brought my lunch, and sat on one of the benches located on a cliff that overlooks my beach. As I sat there, I breathed in the wonderful warm salt air, felt the cool breeze touch my face, and for the first time in a several days I just took a deep, relaxing breath. I felt God's presence with me as I sat there eating my lunch. It felt like Love was wrapping me in a blanket of Peace. It was like fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookies and mama's praise all wrapped up on a park bench.

As I got ready to leave, I felt so much better. The spiritual battle was still raging around me, but I KNEW that I was not alone in this!

"Thank you, God. I really needed that"
"You're welcome. Next time, don't wait so long to have lunch with me. You know I'm always here for you, all you have to do is ask."

I know...you are awesome. I love you, God.

A better day than yesterday!!

First of all, I just want to say how awesome North Coast Church is! AWESOME! Can't wait for you to come visit so I can take you there. It's really hard to believe that I've only been attending for a little more than 2 months. I have delved head first into this church. Again, I feel God pressing "SERVICE" into my heart...really? Service? OK God, not my will, but yours be done! And so with a joyfull heart (yes, mom, you read correctly) I am serving in any capacity I can. Their singles ministry is really strong, and I've meet some really beautiful people! I feel like my Christian Circle that God told me I needed to create around me is forming. Mary, the only other girl in my Growth Group, is truly a gift from God. Her, Eurose, and Iowa Ginger have made up my Accountability Team, or as I like to call them, my "A" Team!! :) This journey is a hard one for me, and I've struggled a lot with the place my heart is in right now. I feel blessed that God has put this team in place for me. Spiritual warfare is not just a fictional literary device. It's real! I've been in the fight for several months now, and I think I've won the last several battles, but it's important for me to stay humble, the war is NOT over!!

Another "YEAH GOD" moment...I started writing again. Thank you, God! My words are coming back to me, and the Holy Spirit is pressing this amazing story on my heart. It's a children's story. I'll bring it with me, when I go to Tracy at the end of the month. And, I'm still in the running for the YMCA Piano Instructor position, but man, is this taking a long time, or what?! What was that, God? Oh yeah, patience...right. Sorry. All in God's time. God, you're so awesome! Have I told you "I love you today? Well, I do."

My Second Step in the Right Direction

Let me tell ya folks...this is gonna be a looong journey!

After my surprise visit from "him" I fell into a small tail spin (yet again). Looking back a week and a half later, I'm starting to take my first deep, calming breaths again. It feels good to be in my own skin again. I missed this, and more importantly, I think God missed me too!

Before the visit, I had felt something that I only vaguely remember from the time before my mom died. Peace. Listen, if you've never felt God's complete and holy love within your heart, man, you need to get there! It's the most amazing feeling I have ever felt, and I know that I always want to live in God's love. I pray each day that my actions are not only "right" but that I make God proud of me, that he looks at me and, with a smile on his face, says "well done, my good and faithful servant." I want my Papa to be proud of me. Speaking of which...

I just finished "The Shack." Dad, you were right. It's awesome, and I think everyone that breaths should read that book because it explains God's Love in a very tangible way. I needed to read that book. Thank you, God. I love you, too.